Hardware Wars

Hardware Wars
Counterclockwise from top left: Fluke Starbucker, Chewchilla the Wookiee Monster, Ham Salad, and Augie "Ben" Doggie.
Directed by	Ernie Fosselius
Produced by	Ernie Fosselius Michael Wiese
Written by	Ernie Fosselius
Starring	Scott Mathews Cindy Furgatch (aka Cindy Freeling) Jeff Hale Bob Knickerbocker Frank Robertson
Narrated by	Paul Frees
Music by	Richard Wagner
Cinematography	John V. Fante Michael Wiese
Distributed by	Pyramid Films "20th Century Foss"
Release dates	October 16, 1978
Running time	13 minutes
Country	United States
Language	English
Budget	$8,000

Hardware Wars is a 1978 short film parody of a teaser trailer for the science fiction film Star Wars. The thirteen-minute film, which was released shortly after Star Wars, consisted of little more than inside jokes and visual puns that heavily depended upon audience familiarity with the original. The theme song is Richard Wagner's famous "Ride of the Valkyries". The tagline was "You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss three bucks goodbye."

Synopsis

The film begins with the text "Meanwhile — in another part of the galaxy — later that same day". A household steam iron flies through space, fleeing a toaster, which fires toast at it. Two robots named 4-Q-2 (who looks like the Tin Man from the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz) and Arty-Deco (a canister vacuum cleaner), escape from the evil Empire. After launching from the ship (a cassette player) in an escape pod (a cassette tape), they land on a desert planet (a watermelon). They are found by young Fluke Starbucker (played by future multi-platinum award-winning music producer Scott Mathews) who finds a video message saved on Arty-Deco. It is a loop of Princess Anne-Droid saying "Help me, Augie Ben Doggie, you're my only hope." Upon meeting Augie "Ben" Doggie (of the venerable Red-Eye Knights), Fluke receives his father's lightsaber (a flashlight). After tricking the Imperial Steam Trooper guards (steam cabinets) to let them into the city, they reach a cantina, which Fluke describes as "too weird". The cantina is a country-and-western bar, where they meet space-renegade Ham Salad and Chewchilla the Wookiee Monster (a puppet that resembles Cookie Monster from Sesame Street). Meanwhile, the villainous Darph Nader is interrogating the Princess. When she refuses to talk (mainly because she can't understand him; his speech is muffled by his welder's mask), he destroys her peaceful home planet, Basketball.

After a light-speed chase, Fluke, Ham, Augie, and the rest are sucked into the enemy base (a waffle iron) by a tractor beam. While the rest of the crew attempt to rescue the Princess from the base, Augie tries to shut off the tractor beam, which requires going to an exposed pylon and lowering a switch next to an animated picture of a farm tractor. After they rescue the Princess, Augie Ben Doggie chooses to stay behind to battle Darph Nader, and the rest of the group label him a "martyr". Their spaceship is assaulted by bits of tin-foil trash, which makes Chewchilla jittery until he spies Princess Anne-Droid's hair whorls, which are cinnamon rolls worn on the sides of her head. He eats one as the Princess looks on in disgust.

Fluke joins a squad of spaceships (bottle openers). He is told to "trust your feelings" by the ghostly voice of Augie. The climactic destruction of the enemy base is not shown. The film ends with the voice over, "May the Farce be with you". The very end of the credits state that the production was "filmed on location in space", followed by the statement "no animals were killed in the making of this film", reflecting the legal statement that was beginning to appear in film credits at that time.

Cast

• Frank Robertson as 4-Q-2
• Artie Deco as himself
• Scott Mathews as Fluke Starbucker
• Jeff Hale as Augie "Ben" Doggie
• Cindy Furgatch as Princess Anne-Droid
• Bob Knickerbocker as Ham Salad
• Ernie Fosselius in miscellaneous roles

Narration:

• Paul Frees

Voice actors:

• Sonny Buddy, Jr.
• Cindy Furgatch
• Walt Kraemer
• Ernie Fosselius

Production

Hardware Wars was written and directed by San Francisco native Ernie Fosselius and produced by Michael Wiese. It was structured as a mock movie trailer, and Fosselius even secured narration from veteran voice-over artist Paul Frees, who provided the voice work for the original Star Wars trailers. Fosselius capitalised on his budget limitations by using deliberately ridiculous household objects as props; spaceships were represented with such items as steam irons, toasters and cassette recorders, and the lightsaber of "Fluke Starbucker" was a flashlight. The characters, played by actors who were just as low-budget as the props, were also parodied in name and appearance; for example, Chewbacca the Wookiee was replaced by "Chewchilla the Wookiee Monster," an obvious Cookie Monster puppet, dyed brown, and Darth Vader's counterpart, "Darph Nader," wore a welding helmet that distorted his voice so much that no one could understand anything he said. Other notable characters include "Ham Salad," "Augie Ben Doggie," "Princess Anne-Droid," and the drones, "4-Q-2" (who resembles the Tin Woodman from The Wizard of Oz) and "Arty Deco" (an antique canister vacuum cleaner). Upon completion, Scott Mathews vowed to never act in another film again, saying; "I'm goin' out on top, baby!"

Reception

Hardware Wars won over 15 first-place film festival awards, including the award for Most Popular Short Film at the Chicago Film Festival. It is considered to be the most profitable short film of all time, grossing US$1,000,000; considering its paltry US$8,000 budget, its profit ratio was much better than Star Wars. George Lucas said in a 1999 interview on the UK's The Big Breakfast television show that Hardware Wars was his favorite Star Wars parody.

In 2003, the film was honored by Lucasfilm when it was given the Pioneer Award at that year's Official Star Wars Fan Film Awards. In August 2010, Time magazine listed it as one of the Top 10 Star Wars fanfilms.

Video releases

Hardware Wars had originally been available on film from Pyramid Films. It was first made available commercially on home video with the Warner Home Video release Hardware Wars, and Other Film Farces, which also included another Fosselius parody, Porklips Now. The tape also included Closet Cases of the Nerd Kind and the animation classic Bambi Meets Godzilla.

To spoof the "Special Edition" re-release of Star Wars in 1997, which included additional scenes and more advanced digital special effects, Hardware Wars was re-released on VHS as a twenty-minute "Special Edition," with new digital "special defects." Fosselius did not participate or approve of this release, as noted in a disclaimer on the packaging.

The film was released on DVD in 2002 in its original form, with commentary tracks and other special features.

It was later released on DVD again by Apprehensive Films for its 30th Anniversary. This release is approved and licensed from Ernie Fosselius.

External links

• HardwareWarsDVD.com — Official site for Hardware Wars and the films of Ernie Fosselius
• Hardware Wars at IMDb
• Hardware Wars Part 1 and Part 2 on YouTube