I-message

In interpersonal communication, an I-message or I-statement is an assertion about the feelings, beliefs, values etc. of the person speaking, generally expressed as a sentence beginning with the word "I", and is contrasted with a "you-message" or "you-statement", which often begins with the word "you" and focuses on the person spoken to. Thomas Gordon coined the term "I message" in the 1960s while doing play therapy with children. He added the concept to his book for parents, P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training (1970).

I-messages are often used with the intent to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive. They are also used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than implying that they are caused by another person. An example of this would be to say: "I really am getting backed up on my work since I don't have the financial report yet," rather than: "you didn't finish the financial report on time!" (The latter is an example of a "you-statement").

I-messages or I-statements can also be used in constructive criticism. For instance, one might say, "I had to read that section of your paper three times before I understood it," rather than, "This section is worded in a really confusing way," or "You need to learn how to word a paper more clearly." The former comment leaves open the possibility that the fault lies with the giver of the criticism. According to the Conflict Resolution Network, I-statements are a dispute resolution conversation opener that can be used to state how one sees things and how one would like things to be, without using inflaming language

I-message construction

While the underlying rationale and approach to I-messages is similar in various systems, there are both three-part and four-part models for constructing I-messages. A three-part model is proposed by the University of Tennessee Family & Consumer Sciences for improving communication with children:

1. I feel... (Insert feeling word)
2. when... (tell what caused the feeling).
3. I would like... (tell what you want to happen instead).

According to Hope E. Morrow, a common pitfall in I-statement construction is using phrases like "I feel that..." or "I like that..." which typically express an opinion or judgment. Morrow favors following "I feel..." with a feeling such as "sad," "angry," etc.

Gordon advises that to use an I-message successfully, there should be congruence between the words one is using and one's affect, tone of voice, facial expression and body language. Gordon also describes a 3-part I-message, called a "confrontive" I-message, with the following parts:

• non-blameful description of the listener's behavior
• the effect of that behavior on the speaker
• the speaker's feelings about that effect

He describes the I-message as an appeal for help from the other person, and states that the other person is more likely to respond positively when the message is presented in that way.

Conflict resolution

If an "I" message contains "you-messages", it can be problematic in conflict situations. For example: "I feel..., when you..., and I want you to..." This can put the receiver of the statement on the defensive. In a dispute, use of a phrase that begins with "I want" may encourage the parties to engage in positional problem solving. This may make conflicts more difficult to resolve. An "interest-based" approach to conflict resolution suggests using statements that reflect why the individual wants something.

The goals of an "I" message in an interest-based approach:

• to avoid using "you" statements that will escalate the conflict
• to respond in a way that will de-escalate the conflict
• to identify feelings
• to identify behaviors that are causing the conflict
• to help individuals resolve the present conflict and/or prevent future conflicts.

The Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management summarized this approach as follows: "A sender of a message can use a statement that begins with 'I' and expresses the sender's feelings, identifies the unwanted behavior, and indicates a willingness to resolve the dispute, without using 'you' statements or engaging in positional problem solving.

The Commission proposed a four-part I-message:

1. “I feel like___ (taking responsibility for one's own feelings)
2. “I don't like it when__ ” (stating the behavior that is a problem)
3. “because____” (what it is about the behavior or its consequences that one objects to)
4. “Can we work this out together?” (be open to working on the problem together).

Marital stability and relationship analysis researcher John Gottman notes that although I-statements are less likely than You-statements to be critical and to make the listener defensive, "you can also buck this general rule and come up with 'I' statements like 'I think you are selfish' that are hardly gentle. So the point is not to start talking to your spouse in some stilted psychobabble. Just keep in mind that if your words focus on how you're feeling rather than on accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful."

The Benefits of I-Statements, Self-Talk

I-statements have been found to offer a tremendous benefit to clients - patients. I-statements encourage growth and maturation. They are beneficial when employed with an individual struggling with self-defeating thoughts and mindset.

The therapeutic model varies on its take on the use of I-statements. I-statements are designed to rid the myths from the reality of life. I-statements are further productive in challenging one's innermost feelings. Dr. Asa Don Brown, author with the Canadian Counseling and Psychotherapy Association stated that "Self-talk reflects your innermost feelings." If they reflect your "inner most" feelings, then understanding those feelings are necessary in overcoming one's negative perceptions and worldviews, according to Dr. Brown.

I-statements are capable of influencing one's path and design in life. According to Girlshealth.gov, "An I-statement is a sentence that begins with the word "I." It helps the... (individual) take responsibility for their feelings instead of saying they are caused by the other person. This can help keep relationships open and honest between people when there is a conflict."

I statements are important for clarifying one's position, contribution, and desires around a situation, event, and/or life perspective. According to family psychology movement, I-statements are necessary for establishing a healthy relationship and an appropriate level of intimacy.

I-statements help the individual avoid blame, turning blame into personal responsibility. Personal responsibility is key to learning to use I-statements. Without personal responsibility, I-statements are null in their intention.

Shifting gears

Gordon states, "Although I-messages are more likely to influence others to change than You-messages, still it is a fact that being confronted with the prospect of having to change is often disturbing to the changee." A quick shift by the sender of the I-message to an active listening posture can achieve several important functions in this situation, according to Gordon. He states that in Leader Effectiveness Training courses, this is called "shifting gears", and states that the person might shift back to an I-message later in the conversation.

Use of the concept

A book about mentoring states that communications specialists find that I-messages are a less threatening way to confront someone one wants to influence, and suggests a three-part I-message: a neutral description of planned behaviour, consequences of the behaviour, and the emotions of the speaker about the situation.

A manual for health care workers calls I-messages an "important skill", but emphasizes that use of an I-message does not guarantee that the other person will respond in a helpful way. It presents an I-message as a way that one can take responsibility for one's own feelings and express them without blaming someone else. A manual for social workers presents I-messages as a technique with the purpose of improving the effectiveness of communication.

Research

A study in Hong Kong of children's reactions to messages from their mothers found that children are most receptive to I-messages that reveal distress, and most antagonistic towards critical you-messages. A study with university students as subjects did not find differences in emotional reactions to I-messages and you-messages for negative emotions, but did find differences in reactions for positive emotions.

A study of self-reported emotional reactions to I-statements and you-statements by adolescents found that accusatory you-statements evoked greater anger and a greater inclination for antagonistic response than assertive I-statements.

See also

• Conflict resolution
• Face saving
• Flaming (Internet)
• Nonviolent Communication